On Another's Sorrow
by ilikedan
Summary: It wasn't fair, you didn't deserve her. River Song, the woman who left such an impression on the hearts of two Doctors. The first time and the last time they met, the two doctors mourn the life of the woman they had failed and think about the nature of their relationships. One-shot.


**_Hello beautiful people, this is me, not owning Doctor Who! As of today, only 41 days until it returns! _**

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_Can I see another's woe,_

_And not be in sorrow too?_

_Can I see another's grief,_

_And not seek for kind relief? ~ William Blake_

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It wasn't fair, you didn't deserve her. You didn't even _know her_ for crying out loud. You didn't know how astounding she was, you didn't see how well she could fly the TARDIS through a meteor storm, you didn't know the feel of her hand in yours as you ran across the stars from all sorts of perils. You couldn't possibly know because all that love and care and wonderment was far in your future.

To you she was just another woman; some crazy archeologist with a taste for skinny men in suits. She wasn't special, she wasn't the woman who made you so happy and so bothered and so unbearably sad all at the same time. She was just another person, just as you yourself were another person then and that is the biggest tragedy of all. I can still see it, when I see her now getting upset or angry, I can still see that heartbreak on her face when she realized that I didn't know her. Back then, back when I was you, I didn't trust her implicitly and I didn't care for her with all my hearts like the Doctor ought to.

So yes, I'm mad at you, furious really for the way you treated her. She deserved so much better than that, than you, she deserved to have someone there for her during that terrible time. I'm also a bit jealous of you, you got to spend all that time with her flirting and talking around future adventures. I'm constantly reminded of how fleeting our time together is and the time we do have is special, something to be treasured like that diary she carries around with her everywhere. But mostly I'm sad for you, for what you had to see and what it will do to you.

You got to watch her die, watch her suffer and cry and lose her life because of you and you will carry that knowledge with you for the rest of your days. And one day you will pass that burden onto me to bear. Now every time I see her smile or slap me in the face, the Library will always be in the corner of my eye to remind me that one day she too will be taken from me.

Perhaps I'm being too harsh on you. You didn't know any better, I can't fault you for not knowing someone you haven't met. But I can be upset at the universe for not giving her the send-off she deserved, that her death had to be witnessed by the eyes of a veritable stranger. I should have been there. I should've held her hand and laughed with her as we did what we did best. It should have been me there, not you, who wept over her because you hadn't yet earned the right to weep for her.

River Song, my best friends' daughter, my murderess, my wife, I'm so sorry you wasted your life on an old man like me. I hope you enjoyed those Singing Towers at Darillium. I know you spoke of it that day in the Library, but I hope it was special to you because that was my real goodbye, that was me trying to tell you how much I cared without ever being able to say so.

You told me once that I would always be there to catch you whenever you fell, save you from whatever mess you'd gotten yourself into and I've done my best to keep that promise knowing there would come a day when I would have to let you make last and final drop all on your own.

This is the last time you and I will meet until the first time. Goodbye.

**DWDWDW**

It wasn't fair, I didn't deserve her. I know that but I still can't help but feel happy to have met her. I'm sure you know that she is, was, special. From the moment I laid eyes on her, there was this feeling of understanding between us that seemed premature but had the potential to grow into something beautiful. And the way she spoke about me, about you, it broke my hearts to tell her that her love was being wasted on someone who couldn't return it, not yet at least. I hope you at least will take the time to give her the love I couldn't. I'm sure you do because she wouldn't care so much if you didn't. And because I'll make sure you do. Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey…

Oh but that woman, I can see why you like her so much, had things been different I would have loved to have gotten to know her better. She was brilliant, absolutely brilliant. I had never met a human who could keep up with me, predict my every move and do it all with such a stunning swagger that left me speechless. The Doctor and the Professor, what a team we made, had made, will make. Because she wasn't mine, she never was, from the moment she saw my face, so very different from yours I'm sure, she knew that I wasn't her Doctor.

And I tried, once I realized who she was, I tried to give her something, anything to make up for the fact that I wasn't you. I suppose I should be a bit angry with you for that. I was still the Doctor after all but she might as well have called me Smith for all the care I was shown. You were all she talked about, how different you were, your rules and all the wonderful things you did together. I was being compared to myself, and losing! But that's not fair is it? No, I can be angry at you all I want, but not at her. Never at her.

Because of course it had to end like that, it always ends like that. Those beautiful humans just have to get themselves killed in your name and you have deal with it. It's not so bad for me, I didn't know her, not really. I only knew her for a handful of hours, but her death marked me more than most because I could only imagine how you would feel the next time you saw her. How must that feel to see someone die and to see that on them every time you see their face? I don't know if I could handle that and I'm sorry that you will have to.

Mostly I'm sorry to you Professor River Song, for not being who you wanted me to be in your final moments. To her I was just another bloke who teased her by almost being the man she knew and sometimes being almost the Doctor is worse than being no Doctor at all. And I am sorry to you as well, sorry you didn't get your final goodbye to someone who is obviously very important to you. I'm sorry I had to be there in your place and do a fairly shoddy impression of you. It makes me wonder what she saw in you, the you who was once me, that made her love you so terribly much? I hope for her sake that you are as wonderful as she made me believe. So when you see Professor Song again, be sure to let her know that she is loved and make sure all those adventures are as grand as she told me, stories that will echo through the ages.

But most of all, through all the running and the-whatever it is that you two will do together, always, always be there to catch her when she falls and let her know that I'm sorry for letting her slip from my hand. I look forward to our next run, I do hope it's a good one.

This is the first time we've met and though I long for those adventures we will share I'll always know that a last time will always be just around the corner. Goodbye.

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_Doctor Who seems to have opened up my creative circuits. I think that's a good thing. So this idea has been floating in my head for a few weeks when reading my poetry assignment for English I came across this William Blake poem which finally gave me the motivation to write this down. I've never been a big fan of River, I loved her in Silence in the Library and Forest of the Dead I just don't really like where they went with her character. Not the point, the point is that this relationship is so heartbreakingly sad. 10 had to watch her die and 11 had to live with her knowing just how she was going to die. Can you imagine that? So I wanted to pen this because it just wasn't fair, 10 got to see all that, 11 didn't get his proper goodbye and River died. Doctor Who is such a rich and beautifully done show for reasons such as this, it's silly and fun but the emotion at the core of it just makes you feel so blessedly alive._


End file.
